The Heart of Intimacy: Communication

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The Heart of Intimacy: Communication
When my husband and I were first dating there never seemed to be enough hours in the day to talk. My husband would often say, “One day, you are going to get tired of me talking.” I told him I wouldn’t. I love to listen to him talk. We often wondered what would happen when we got married. Would we still talk as much? Would our communication patterns change? Now, we still make time to talk and share our hopes and dreams.
“Couple intimacy is often understood in the context of relationship processes between partners. In particular, research has consistently shown that communication is an important factor; it can facilitate or impede intimacy in romantic relationships.”3.
            Gary Chapman shares this information about communication in marriages. “When divorced couples were asked, ‘why did your marriage fail?’ 86 percent said, ‘Deficient communication.’ If that is true, then communication in marriage must be extremely important.”1 When we are able to communicate with each other, we can share our most intimate selves with one another. Chapman also says, “In good marital communication the husband and wife each share thoughts, feelings, experiences, values, priorities, and judgements while the other listens sympathetically. Both partners share on the same open, honest level.”1
Unhealthy Communication Patterns
We need to recognize the unhealthy communication patterns that may plague our marriages. Watch this clip of an exchange between Elastigirl and Mr. Incredible. Notice the unhealthy way they are communicating.
The Incredibles link2        
Elastigirl and Mr. Incredible are having a difficult time really listening to what the other has to say and taking the time to understand each other.
For intimacy to occur when we communicate, we need to have healthy communication. Chapman talks about four “fowls” that can be identified in marriages as unhealthy patterns of communication.
Dove
I Want Peace at Any Price
Hawk
It’s Your Fault
Owl
Let’s Be Reasonable
Ostrich
Ignore It and It Will Go Away

The dove is the peacemaker and will avoid confrontation at all costs. This person is often apologetic and tends not to disagree with their spouse.
I am not a fan of confrontation, but I have found that if we can’t be open and honest in our relationships and are always trying to please the other person intimacy slowly fades and we pay a price for that avoidance.
The hawk is the one who blames the other person for everything. He/or she is the one who never does anything wrong. This person typically puts others down to make themselves feel better. In this type of relationship, intimacy is difficult because either you don’t feel good about yourself or close to your spouse because of the things they say, or you are angry at your spouse because what they are saying isn’t true. Either way, it is a no-win situation.
In the owl scenario you have a partner who is “Mr. or Mrs. Calm, Cool, and Collected.”1 This person is intelligent and rational but rarely shows emotion. This person may seem like he or she doesn’t have any feelings. This person may be feeling vulnerable themselves but doesn't want others to know. It is hard to be intimate with the owl when there is no emotion or feeling.
            The ostrich will ignore what you are saying—especially if they don’t like it. This person will change the subject if they find it unpleasant. You may find your partner will talk continually but rarely say anything. This type of person usually doesn’t feel like they fit in or they may be trying to avoid an argument.
Establishing Healthy Patterns
            How do we fix the problem? The first step is to recognize the patterns of communication in your marriage that are unhealthy. Maybe they are learned behaviors from your parents. Maybe they are patterns you have fallen into over time. Figuring out what they are is where you start.
            Next you have to “admit that this pattern is detrimental to your own marital intimacy.”1 If we don’t recognize that it’s a problem, we won’t see a need for change. We have to decide we want to change. Once the decision to change is made, we can replace the old patterns with new patterns of communication. Instead of avoidance we can speak honestly. Instead of blame we can accept responsibility. Instead of no emotion we can show desire. Instead of ignoring we can show that we are listening and understand our spouse.
            Recognize that change won’t happen overnight. Be patient with yourself and your partner. Check in with each other and share honest feedback on how you are doing. Be loving and caring in your responses to each other.
Checklist for Establishing Healthy Patterns
Recognize
Admit
Decide
Be Patient
Check-in
Honest, loving feedback

Challenge
            This week’s challenge is to sit down with your spouse and determine what your unhealthy patterns of communication are. What are you going to do to establish new patterns?
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 “Disclaimer: the authors of this online curriculum are not therapists, and are not authorized to give personalized advice to any of the readers. The content of this lesson plan is the creation of the author’s alone and does not represent any other entity or organization.”

References
  1. Chapman, G. D., (2014). Now you’re speaking my language. Nashville, TN: B&H Publishing Group
  2. Mior, N. (2013). The incredibles--Mom and dad fighting scene [video file]. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JuSD8gy-NfA&t=3s
  3. Yoo, H. & Bartle-Haring, S. (2014). Couple communication, emotional and sexual intimacy, and relationship satisfaction. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 40(4), 275-293. doi:10.1080/0092623X.2012.751072
Photo Credit:
Dove
https://pixabay.com/photo-2516641/
Hawk
https://pixabay.com/photo-3100205/
Owl
https://pixabay.com/photo-2010346/
Ostrich
https://pixabay.com/photo-2671363/



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