Physical Intimacy: Making it a Priority
Physical
Intimacy: Making it a Priority
When you hear the word intimacy, you might think of sex. While
intimacy includes more than sex, sex is a crucial part of the puzzle.
Sex has the awesome power to bring couples closer together. This
post will cover common obstacles couples have when it comes to sex, as well as
practical suggestions to help overcome those obstacles.
Before We Start
Talking about sex can be uncomfortable. Some couples even struggle
to talk about sex! Because it is such a sensitive topic, this post will be as
non-explicit as possible to cover the subject matter. That being said, frank
discussions about sexuality have an important place in marriage and education.
Problems with Intimacy
Sex can be a source of joy in a marriage. It has the incredible power
of bonding husband and wife. However, sex can also be a source of frustration
and anxiety. Many factors are recorded as negatively impacting a couple’s
sex life, including aging, mental health, pregnancy, relationship stressors,
time, and chronic illness and disabilities.2 Stress in life is unavoidable, but that doesn’t mean it’s good
for couples and their sex lives. Sex therapist Maj Wismann said, “Stress and
sex drive do not mix.”8 Stressed out couples have
less sex, and in some cases, stop having sex altogether.2
Stress isn’t the only source of sexual problems. Some are
more physical, like erectile dysfunction or differences in desire. Others may
be more emotional or relational. Sexual intimacy, like all aspects of married
life, needs fine tuning and attention from a couple. While there are different
strategies to tackle specific sexual problems, here are some general principles
that can be a good starting point for couples wanting to enrich their physical
relationship.
Communication
Communication is brought up a lot when talking about marriage.
Communication can help couples create a better sex life. John Gottman, a
renowned marriage researcher said, “A significant obstacle to a happy sex life,
however, is difficulty communicating about the topic clearly. Often couples
“vague out,” making it hard to decipher what they’re actually trying to tell
each other.”4 He goes on to talk about
how couples are often “indirect, imprecise, and inconclusive” when they are
talking about sex and they hope they will “miraculously understand each other.”4 When couples are clear and honest about their needs and wants
then their intimacy will increase and it will enhance their experiences.
John Gottman also created a list of 13 things that couples with
great sex lives do. Surprising to some, these are not related to specific
sexual behaviors, but rather affectionate behaviors.3
13 Things Couples Do to Have an Amazing Sex
Life
|
They say “I love You” every day and mean it
|
They kiss one another passionately for no
reason
|
They give surprise romantic gifts
|
They know what turns their partners on and off
|
They are physically affectionate, even in
public
|
They keep playing and having fun together
|
They cuddle
|
They make sex a priority, not the last item of
a long to-do list
|
They stay good friends
|
They can talk comfortably about their sex life
|
They have weekly dates
|
They take romantic vacations
|
They are mindful about turning toward
|
John Gottman describes
“turning toward” as “turning to one another with love and affection to connect
emotionally and physically.”3
Talking about sex doesn’t have to be a long sit-down talk
coupled with awkward squirms. It can be on ongoing conversation, giving
encouragement and correction when the occasion arises. Nonverbal communication
can be a beneficial tool for those who feel uncomfortable talking about sex
aloud. Regardless of the ways couples choose to communicate, it is important
that they communicate about their sexual likes and dislikes. Learning about
your spouse will help enrich your sex life.
Sensate Focus
The most common sex therapy technique is relatively easy for
couples to do. Sensate focus, pioneered by William Masters and Virginia
Johnson, has been backed by research and still remains a popular technique over
40 years later.7 While any therapeutic
practices benefits from the watchful eye of therapist, couples can use the
principles of sensate focus to enrich the physical side of their marriage.
The goal of sensate focus is to focus on the pleasure of touch.
Couples start with nonsexual touch to develop sensitivity and awareness. The
focus is pleasurable touch for oneself and one’s partner. Couples can use these
new-found discoveries about touch to enrich their sex lives.7 Masters and Johnson found that couples reported more sexual
satisfaction in as little as two weeks.5
For more information, this handout from University of Notre
Dame is a succinct introduction with practical applications.
Conclusion
If you take anything from this blog post, take this:
If you want to improve your sex life, improve your
relationship.
There are times when sexuality goes by the wayside. Whether it is
part of pregnancy or times of stress, emotional intimacy bolsters up couples
when physical intimacy is lacking.2 In fact, those whose
relationships were lacking during pregnancy took longer to return to sexual
activity postpartum.1
Sex, while a beautiful expression of love between spouses, it is
not without its problems. Many couples experience sexual problems of one sort
or another during their marriage. Focusing on the relationship and the other
person will aide in alleviating sexual problems. Using purely physical
solutions might help a little, but they are only a part of a relationship.
We hope your understanding of intimacy has been enriched from this
post. Marriage can be tough, but it has the potential to be an immense joy in
your life. Staying close as a couple will safeguard your marriage during tough
times in the years ahead.
Challenge
Take some time to talk to your partner about your sex life. Review
Gottman’s list of 13 things that couples do to have a great sex life and add a
couple into your marriage relationship. Since physical intimacy is personal and
private we won’t ask you to share this week, but we hope you find this post
helpful in creating more intimacy in your relationship.
This is our last post. Please
take our survey and let us know what you think of our blog. Thank you!
“Disclaimer: the authors of this online
curriculum are not therapists, and are not authorized to give personalized
advice to any of the readers. The content of this lesson plan is the creation
of the author’s alone and does not represent any other entity or organization.”
References
- Cappel, J., MacDonald, T. K., & Pukall, C. F.
(2016) For new mothers, the relationship matters: Relationship
characteristics and postpartum sexuality. Canadian Journal of Human
Sexuality, 25(2) 126-137.
- Donnelly, D. A., & Burgess, E. O. (2008). The
decision to remain in an involuntarily celibate relationship. Journal of
Marriage and Family, 70(2), 519-535. Retrieved from https://search-proquest-com.byui.idm.oclc.org/docview/219771293?accountid=9817
3.
Gottman, J. (2017) Building a great sex life is not rocket science.
Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/blog/building-great-sex-life-not-rocket-science/
- Gottman, J. (1999). The seven principles for making
marriage work: A practical guide. New York, NY: Harmony Books
- Masters, W., & Johnson, V.E. (1966). Human sexual
response. New York, NY: Little, Brown and Company.
- Sensate focus exercise: Non-sexual intimacy [Flyer].
(n.d.) Retrieved from https://www3.nd.edu/~pmtrc/Handouts/Sensate_Focus.pdf
7.
Weiner, L., & Avery-Clark, C. (2014). Sensate focus: Clarifying
the masters and johnson's model. Sexual & Relationship Therapy,
29(3), 307 - 319. doi:10.1080/14681994.2014.892920
- Wissman, M. (2017). 3 Reasons stress is affecting your
sex drive and what to do about it. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/blog/3-reasons-stress-is-affecting-your-sex-drive-and-what-to-do-about-it/
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