Building Blocks of Intimacy

Building Blocks of Intimacy

Last time, we covered why intimacy is important. This lesson is about the elements that make up intimacy and how to implement them in marriage.

If intimacy was a recipe, it would be bread. Bread is simple. It takes flour, yeast, water, salt, and sugar to make a successful loaf. However, while the ingredients are simple, bread making can be difficult to make for a first timer.

The ingredients that make up intimacy are simple and easy to understand. The real challenge is implementing these tools in marriage.

John Van Epp, author of How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk, says that intimacy is a simple equation:

         Talk+Time+Togetherness=Intimacy

While it’s straightforward enough, this formula can help couples achieve lasting intimacy.³

Talk

John Gottman has a concept called love maps that might be helpful. Think of your partner as a plot of unexplored wilderness, and yourself as a cartographer. To create an accurate map, you would need to explore thoroughly. You would evaluate the terrain and wildlife, trying your best to make sense of this land you’ve discovered.

Your partner is a complex human being, with wants and needs and desires and dreams. It takes time and lots of good conversations to get a better understanding of your partner. Love maps is the details you know about your partner. The more knowledge about your partner you possess, the more detailed the love map becomes.²

However, couples don’t always have time to sit and talk for hours. In fact, couples may find themselves resorting to small talk and logistics. While discussion about paying the bills is important, marriage needs connection between the partners to survive.

Creating a thorough love map means continually getting to know your partner.² If you find yourselves stumped, the internet has some great ideas for conversation starters. Start here and get the creative juices flowing!

Time

As married couples, finding time together can be difficult. Between jobs, children, school, exercise, religious worship, volunteering and all the other things that keep people busy, it’s hard to make time to talk to one’s spouse about things that matter. In fact, in the business of life, spousal communication can become purely about logistics, morphing the couple into business partners rather than lovers.³

Taking time for your marriage means taking time to nurture your romantic relationship. It’s not enough to be just roommates. Even setting aside five minutes a day to connect with each other can strengthen your marriage.

Togetherness

It is entirely possible that couples can talk and spend time together without growing closer. This is where the element of togetherness comes in. Togetherness is how couples spend their time together. It is using time and talk to create a meaningful connection

Some activities are better situated for intimacy than others. For instance, while couples may spend hours together sleeping, the lack of interaction makes an activity unideal for creating intimacy. Couples need to connect in their time together.³

Connection is the main goal of marital rituals. According to William Doherty, rituals are “repeated, coordinated, and significant.”¹ Rituals are using repeated acts to bring your closer together.  While rituals often include hobbies and mutual interests, they can also include work tasks like chores and errands.¹

The following are examples of rituals successful couples might have:

-Date night

-Coffee in the morning

-Cuddling before you get out of bed

-Breakfast in bed once a month

-Making love

-Anniversary celebrations

Challenge

The challenge this week is to create a connection ritual with your partner. Post a picture of your ritual and use the hashtag #letsgettogether.

Survey

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“Disclaimer: the authors of this online curriculum are not therapists and are not authorized to give personalized advice to any of the readers. The content of this lesson plan is the creation of the author’s alone and does not represent any other entity or organization.”

References

1. Doherty, W. J. (2013). Take back your marriage. New York, NY: The Guilford Press
2. Gottman, J. M. & Silver, N. (2015) The seven principles for making marriage work. New York, NY: Random House.
3. Van Epp, J. (2008). How to avoid falling in love with a jerk. New York, NY: McGraw-Hill Education